My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
