I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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