I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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