so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
