'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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