I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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