I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
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I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
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And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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