Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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