I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Randomize
