i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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