apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I looked at my own cervix.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
