I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
