i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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