Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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