Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
