Cold hands, warm shart.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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