I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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