Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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