What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
