I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
