we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
