U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
