My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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