I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
What happened to fro yo and sex?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
