I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
When are your genitals available?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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