I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize