the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
