He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
