Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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