and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
