he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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