I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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