So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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