Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
