If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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