I'm laying in your front yard are you home
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
