dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Blood and glitter go together right?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
