this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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