remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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