I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
