I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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