I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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