I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
