I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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