listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
