winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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