I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
