Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
