whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
