I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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