The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
