Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
