I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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