i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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