I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
