Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
