I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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