Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
